How To Masturbate!*

1) Be alone!

No one (well, maybe that perverted guy who works the taco cart) likes to be caught  masturbating.  It’s a private thing that is best done alone.  And if you are an exhibitionist, then have fun getting arrested!  (We recommend doing it in the local Sheriff’s backyard, thrillseeker!)

So be alone.  If you live with your parents, take a ‘shower’ and do your biz.  Or lock your door after everyone has gone to sleep.  If you don’t have a door lock, then do it under the covers and be sure to keep your voice down!

2) Be Clean!

Ladies, dirty fingers don’t belong up in your stuff.  And guys, hygiene is very important.  Be nice to your privates, like they’re nice to you!

3) Be Quiet!

Wanky once witnessed a neighbor doing the deed…buck naked and aiming her lady muffin towards the window.  Wanky was scared and is still in deep therapy (we think this is why he went gay!)

He only noticed the touchy-time because he heard the neighbor MOANING like a rhino humping a whale (don’t ask).  So keep your voice down!  Parents, roommates and traveling salesmen don’t want to hear you.

4) Be Creative!

We recommend using organic cucumbers.

Joking.

Get some hygienic sex toys and vibrators.  We have arranged some great deals for you.  Click here to find out more. (Yeah, yeah, we gotta monetize this site somehow.  You think feeding 3 hungry bears is easy?!).

So if you wanna ‘go pro’ then pick up some lubricant.  This will take the boredom out of things.

5) Be Discreet

If you do get those sex toys, hide them.  Lulu’s cleaning lady found her vibe!  Lulu was so embarrassed that she had to fire her.  Poor Consuela!  So be good to your cleaning lady and hide your vibe!

6) It Builds Stamina

Hey guys, if you’re:

• planning to be with a lady
• Are on a dry spell

then masturbation is perfect for you.

It’s like training for the big game!

You need to practice so when it’s your turn off the bench you can show her a good time!  No girl wants a minute man.  So use your hand to train da man! Build that stamina sailor!

7) Be Healthy and Calm

Orgasms release chemicals in your head that calm and relax you.  This is why more people should ‘do it’ so they’d be less uptight!

So ‘trip balls’ and wax one out.

Its good for your health.

Benefits:

Guys:

• improves your immune system!
• Builds resistance to prostate gland infection!
• Makes your prostate healthier!

Girls:

• Relieves menstruation pain by increasing blood flow to the pelvic region!
• Relieves chronic back pain!
• Increases your pain threshold!
• Builds resistance to yeast infections!
• Fights pre-menstrual tension (fights cramps!  Take that!)

And for guys and girls, fellas and ladies, bears and bear babes:

• Safe sex, so no risk of STDs! (sexually transmitted diseases)
• Reduces Stress! (so rub it out in traffic! HA)
• Calms you so you can sleep!
• A natural pick-me-up.  It’s Red Bull but naughty!
• Strengthens pelvic muscles which leads to better sex!  (unless you’re a Nun!)

With all those great benefits, why would you not do it!